She teased me and him, and fate finally caught her back in the game.
She didn't know she would fall, but time pulled her closer to him.
I disregarded my feelings, as one too afraid to fall that time.
I diverted my thoughts to someone who I knew couldn't fill my heart.
I gave in, she gave in.
The pitfalls of love, so endearly bittersweet.
A friend, now a love-foe. But still she is my sister.
She is still my friend.
He comes in the picture. Looks like a little poker game.
A face is put on then, a different one on another.
He comes so close to her. Should I think just like a sister?
No. Maybe. Still I think, to him she is just like a sister.
No. Maybe. I am wrong. Denial is the only word that registers.
But how come, one day I feel for me he surrenders.
I sense a deeper uneasiness, of lovers that is yet too soon.
With me and him, our hands is where fate needs to bloom.
A push here is what it takes, but a girl cannot take.
A move that is yet so soon, a river too deep as the moon.
Our elbows touch. Yes, there are sparks, so rests my heart.
Yet, so unclear. Who can he love? Word game is foolish. It is hard.
His friend, my friend. They are friends. Such a greater chance.
A love that might have commenced unknowingly in them, my doom.
I cannot fall now, for he is owned by my friend, right now, though unknown.
Indecisions hinder the heart to move another step for another chance, another wound.

I just watched The Happening, a movie starring Mark Wahlberg (who, by the way, looks very young and handsome) with my family awhile ago. The synopsis is that there is an unknown event happening in North Eastern states that has got detrimental psychotropic effects on people. It is implied that this unknown event is caused by the plants releasing chemicals and carried through different areas by the wind.

Human beings are considered THE highest form of species inhabiting the Earth. We possess the greatest and most substantial characteristics to survive: a mind of superior capabilities, language that conquers the four corners of the world, ability to understand each and other, a heart of sensitivy, and the ability to love and be loved. Yet, due to these unfaltering abilities of humans, most have not been contented with what they have. Some have craved for greater possibilities that erases the word "LIMITATION" in their minds; sometimes, even on the expense of others.

However, one can never be sure enough that humans are indeed on the top of the food chain. There are other forces of which humans have no control upon. Acts of nature, for instance.
Some of them were even considered to have been caused by human's neglect for the Mother Earth. Although we are one heck of a species, there are some things in this world that is just out of our human hands-- and are very nonnegotiable.

Self-esteem. Healthy life-style. Perfect life.

This seagull has been one of my favorite photography subjects. I am not exactly sure but I am easily drawn to a bird's grace and aura. They look so curious, these birds. The movement of their heads are so quick, as if they are always in the pace. Yet, underneath their charming movements is a sense of calmness and simplicity. All they do is enjoy the breeze of the wind, and land on the surfaces that seem safe. Birds, like the seagull, seem to fly together with their folks, however, doesn't one recognize, that most of them now, are on human soil--walking, eating, and most of the time, on their own. These birds that flock together, after all, have find their own solitude.

spontaneous thoughts>>It is early morning and i haven't wrinkled my sheets yet. I am longing for something creative to do. I think I am showing some signs of manic syndrome. Haha. That is weird, what I said. I want to go to the beach so badly. I am cramming for the nth time. I have not accomplished anything significant for the past two months. Shite!!! Oh I am so proud of the skirt i just tried to remade, if that's a word. Why am I so addicted to certain celebrities. Hot guys are awesome. I am so ecstatic that HBP premiere is on its way. I must do my NCLEX questions. Must be excited about my nursing major! must be excited for the career path im taking! why do teachers have salaries far less than what they deserve? should i become a teacher and raise this concern? i want to teach. i want to teach middle school. or primary school. I really do. but i am not rich yet. i want to become rich too so why should my stupid heart choose a job that's not going to get me a pocket full of money. money so i can live an american life, and my family to live an american life. i am drowned with my insecurities against my father. he is so awesome as i am not. why do i have to blaspheme awhile ago. i wish mama is not bored while she's on unemployment. i thought she wanted to leave the inappreciative and insensitive bonehead boss of hers. way to go ma! i love you ma and pa. i wish my sister was here. although, thanks ninin, i feel your presence when i sleep at night. i wish we could have played together or heard your voice. this will come in time. man i really want to swim. need to swim badly. but i dont want to swim alone. must tell my friends to carry their asses of to the pool. why cant i do something by myself. my eyes are tired already but i still dont want to sleep. maybe it's because it is gonna be another day tomorrow. another lifeless day. why would i say lifeless? when in fact it is not. maybe i am longing for a guy now. lol. im feeling the analysis of erikson come to place in my life now. yound adulthood comes intimacy versus isolation. whahahaha...maybe i should try eharmony. never thought that it would even pass my mind but it just did. why on earth people, like me, would say things before and not mean it. i used to be a man of my word but it all changed. stupid nursing school. my grades have fallen down and it has taken my ego to the rut. and i cant seem to get it out from there. must have somebody to cheer me back again. and i am longing for that person. i used to have many persons who surround me with words of encouragement. i miss that. i have not grown well, but hopefull i'll try. i really want to swim. hopefully someday i can write a book of my own. Shannon Haragan. a name i would not and should not forget. she told me i have the nature of a writer. hahaha. yeah . maybe that was just a random thought of hers. but maybe i can write a book who knows. God help me write a book someday. please let me not forget to write. i want to be rich so i can travel the world for some time. and help. yeah. i used to be active and have active thoughts on helping. wahhaah.. what happened. yeah.. i need a guy i guess. or maybe not a hobby. i need someone whom i can say what it is i feel without having the inhibition that i should be a role model or be perfect. but hey what am i saying. everyone should try to achieve perfection. for instance this. livejournal has an option to have a draft first. so one can correct the errors. that's why there is a backspace. that's why there are second chances. i feel sleepy. last thought and picture on my mind--stars. that's what i see before i close my eyes. the window in my room gives me peace.

True love? Hmmm. Yes. However, there's more to it than that. You know why?





True love knows no bounds and is endless. Yes, but it's about never-ending care and understanding and patience and putting that other one first in everything. That's love, it is a selfless virtue, a self-less act.

Love at first sight? There is no love at first sight. But it is a door for love to bloom. It only means that love can only start to grow when you meet that person at a certain level. It is when you gain sight of that person's being, when you see him as who he is, that's when love begins. Thus, if ever you here that song by a group named Boyzone, "I knew I loved you before I met you," stop and think before you absorbed those words in your mind. You see, there could be attraction when two eyes meet, but love can only commence between two people when they have finally seen through each other's eyes.

Okay, okay. My tittle is a bit off. I just wanted to have an edgy title for the subject matter I am about to write. Well, I am not going to disagree on that: values could some way be deadly, figuratively, of course.

So here's the story:

I am an emotional and impuslive person, or I guess, I am becoming like one. This started when I was in high school, when I went to America and when my whole environment changed; but that's a different story.

Indeed, I have been losing my control lately, eating impulsively and has got some irresponsible fits here and there (note: these things should be taken lightly, I am not the rebel kind. My IMPULSIVENESS is petty. LIttle things that I feel guilty about. It's like vandalizing a desk with a teenie weenie--not even visible--dot.) At times, I would just dance (at home, of course) out of nowhere because I felt like it. I'd just squeel and lose refinement when I see my favorite celebrity on TV (which is very unilkely with my age), and I've got my folks who's cacophonies keep reiterating in my mind like a cuckoo-clock, "Your just emotional. You're just being a kid!" "Your just emotional. YOu're just being a kid." "Your just emotional. You're just being a kid!" "Your just emotional. YOu're just being a kid.""Your just emotional. You're just being a kid!" "Your just emotional. YOu're just being a kid." Yep.

AND

NOW

I KINDA want to have a puppy, maybe adopt a little toy dog, or buy one. I am not going for the big ones as much as I would want.
I am an only child and I feel that our house will lit up a bit with a little cute puppy running around. Plus my mom needs some enjoyment of her own.I know she'd be happy about it.

BUT here is when I talk about VALUES.

My dad, on the other, dislikes dogs! Well, at least, now. We dont have a big house or backyard that the dog could play in, as we live in the city. My dad would say, "THE HOUSE WOULD STINK!" "IT'S HARD TO TAKE CARE OF IT!" "IT"S AN EXPENSE!"

So what values am I talking about? OBEDIENCE!

I mean, right now, I could easily buy a dog, in a click of my sanity I will. This would not even be a problem.
I could simply disobey my father and buy the puppy!

But oh why am I being held back by this value of obedience?
Why oh why oh why?
 
I'm living in my parent's house, so I guess I should respect their decisions. But hey, they really can't do anything about it once I bought the dog. So that's not the problem.  Even if I'm in my own house already, once my parents would say "I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD REALLY GET INTO THAT RESPONSIBILITY." Then I probably wouldn't.

Why oh why have my parents got a big say on my decisions? I am wondering how this came about?

Another day. Life seems to be pacing so quickly. And when we look back at the steps that we've taken and ask ourselves--is this the way that I want to live my life? Did you turn when you saw a big block of stone along the way? Or did you leap--with all the might that you can muster--over it, knowing that one mistake can lead to a detrimental fate (detrimental: in your terms or in real world's terms)?

I just had a big, exhausting test awhile ago. I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt, that I DID STUDY--at least a week or so. I had taken notes, personalized it, two weeks earlier. Then read and re-read it. I would admit that I have not done the best I could give of my time, which was sleep for only 3 hours a day, read instead of eat, read instead of TV-rest. Nope. I was not up to doing that because I thought, I had started and prepared for the exam weeks before. I thought those eyebag prone actvities are only for those who have not taken notes like I did, those  who were cramming. Then, when it was a week before the exam. I started to slow down. I thought, "Hey, I got my notes ready. It would be a lot easier to study this time around." When in fact it is not. I prayed. I believed that God would help me on this because I seriously talked to Him. I said those three words, "Please, please, please." Very childlike, i must say when I talked with Him. I thought  that if I come to Him and ask Him like a tiny little innocent kid, He might flick his hand for a miracle. Well, in a way He did. The exam day was cancelled, there was a snow storm warning and so I shouted for joy; jumped in the air;  I had another day to study. The time for me to study was far too long, or so it seems that I--a big procrastinating kind--thought that I should be taking things lightly because I have started far too early to prepare.

Then there it was. 6:30 am. I woke up at "farting" 6:30!!!!!! That right there; that statement tells it all. Was I cramming? Did i not prepare enough?  Was the time not enough for me?  I had an extra day.


So the test day has began. Did I do well? I doubt it.


Right now, analyzing all of this non-sense things I have done. I could say one thing to myself. You, girl, need to be responsible. Bring your act up. Do be over-confident that you know everything. Good that you are studying, preparing early on, but to halt in the middle of the way to achieving succes just because you want take a pit stop or rest when you're tired and you seem to can't go on, don't effin STOP. Don't control the things around you. Don't even dare control God that whatever you ask of Him, He would do because you said so. No. It will be done because He said so. That's a promise  if you did YOUR BEST. And did you? Did you stay up late at night to study? Did you even dare open your books during that weekend? Were you able to stay away from the remote control or from that computer mouse? Did you try to heed on you promises during this LENT? Can you even say you sacrificed that things that you were supposed to? NO.... You did not doeven a single one of these things. So why are you even trying to defend yourself that you did EVERYTHING??!!!! You've gone only half-way, you did not finish the race. Remember, somebody said,

"When you have a come along way and you see the end, but stopped; then you have not even gone halfway towards it."

Girl, that only means that if you gave  100% one day because you felt to, don't stop when you don't feel the urge to anymore. You've gotta give it 100% everyday. EVERY-effin-DAY!!!!! To be successful in you studies, you can't roam your mind around petty things. You've gotta give it 100% concentration. It's like learning a dance. When you felt the urge to dance, your emotions speaks and you've become an advocate to your emotions; however, learning the dance would get you the success that you want even more. SUCCESS that surely your emotions would feed on. But how? You've  got to dedicate yourself on learning the right techniques and steps to perfect it. And you know that you're not gonna be the best dance ever. Always know that there's gonna be that person who's got a softer body than you, or has got more experience in dancing than you have. But remember, if you've PRACTICED hard enough, until your bone breaks, until not even an inch of GUILT in you says "I kinda slacked off", until you could--with all conviction--say "I"VE DONE MY BEST," that's the time you'd get the good price for it. You deserved to win that race. You've got no grounds to lose. Although, losing is still an option in there, but definitely you've got the characteristics to win. You might lose because it may have not been really for you, the trophy might be for someone else, or the world just did not like your dance at all. But don't fret, when you come to a point like that when you really could say THIS IS THE BEST THAT I COULD HAVE DONE, then you've won the race no matter what. You've conquered the toughest challenge, that is "yourself"--being the BEST that YOU COULD EVER BE. You've stood up and did not get tired to keep on dancing and fighting and running. You deserved to win.

But now, when that test came about, that minute before you took your pencil out, before you shaded your name in, was there that instance when you've held your head high and said, " I DID MY BEST." I know you. You've slacked for some time last week. You did not sleep for 3 hours, you have not done what you, yourself, have promised. You, my dear, have controlled your God. You even blamed Him, didn't you? You even blamed the exam, that it was to difficult and illogical and that none of the things yous studied was included and that the professors were total gits. You've blamed your surroundings for your shortcomings. Now, is that correct?


Go on, girl. Look back. Think back. Is this the path that you have wanted to travel? I am not gonna say "DO NOT..."  here now. Yo've gotta think on your own. Your not a teen anymore. The world is waiting for you.