I shouldn't have to force this. I shouldn't fight to get through every day. I shouldn't strive to smile, that shouldn't be my goal and accomplishment of every day. That isn't right. I am worth so much more. When did I break my limit? When did I lose myself? How did this happen? Where am I suppose to go from here? Why is it, the one who is suppose to be here for me, won't even allow me into his life? I just keep getting pushed farther and farther away... When do I realize that I am too far gone? Is this it? I am split...Shattered...Broken...Collapsing...This isn't suppose to work like this...Why am I trying so hard to live?...Wouldn't it just be so much easier to let go? Who gets to make that decision? Why can't I do it? Why can't I make my own choices? Am I too weak to make it through this anymore? I am almost regretting every day I wake... Why is this getting too hard to take? I force every laugh to make every one think I am okay... How come no one has seen through me yet? ... Am I really that good?... I am just a fake.

Sequel.

The vase was broken
that one i cared for a little while
though it was never mine
could not hold back the tears
it flows inevitably through my eyes.


it was beautifully done
handmade by a heartsman
colored, painted
molded, possessed.
it was never mine.
but i thought it was for a while.

What do you do when you know you have failed someone but it is far past too late to do anything? This is probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life... And I have no clue what to do about it. I am trying to live the best I can, but I have this feeling pulling at me that I know I was suppose to stop it, but now I can't... Is it regret? Is this the first thing in my life I am "regretting"? I actually believe it is... And this happened in May... What to do, what to do...? Besides this, I am constantly getting hurt. No matter how hard I try to please others, I always get bashed. How does this affect my self esteem? Oh, that is diminishing quite swiftly. Unfortunately, I really have no one who is willing to build it back up. I am on a quick downhill course, and I want to climb back up, and certainly I have tried, but some force keeps pushing me back. Maybe it's the holidays... Maybe it's something... Is this my breaking point?